Christmas Cheer

Some pics for your viewing!

Christmas was a success!

So I got a nikon d5100 for christmas. I have been taking pictures like madness. Reading blogs, watching videos, trying to learn whatever I can to become decent at photography. I purchased a new lens today, which I will hopefully have by this weekend, when I will be taking family pictures for my inlaws. When I get a chance I will upload some pictures. I am excited. Also Matt (my husband ) and I have started a blog! It's called Knotty Piners. It's kind of an inside joke. If you know us its probably not to hard to figure out! Here's a link http://knottypiners.blogspot.com/

We are going to put things that we make, or bake, or create on their. I hope you will check it out although there isn't a whole lot on their right now! We will be posting things soon though! :) As I did get a stand mixer and food processor for christmas I'm sure I will be finding things to use those for as well!

Social media is overrated.

I think this has been a long time coming. I have deactivated my twitter and facebook, with no intentions on reactivating them. I have many reasons, but senseless to discuss. I will still be blogging and pinning, because pinterest is just wonderful and gives me many things that I can bake and create. I want to spend more time making things, I find my heart is happiest doing those types of things. I also still have instagram which I will post pictures to as well. I have a cell phone still and email. So I am still able to be contacted quite easily. I didn't miss out on much before facebook came around so I think it's safe to say I shouldn't miss out on much just because I don't have one anymore. I actually think I might miss less. Just a thought!

Christmas is almost here. I am excited this year, probably because I made about 80% of the gifts I am giving away. It really makes it so much better! I am really excited to give them, and I hope that everyone loves them, as much as Matt and I have enjoyed making them. I will also be baking this week, as I am giving some sweets away as gifts. I'll have to post pictures of finished projects once they have been given, as I don't want to spoil the surprise! I am much more cheerful these days, in high hopes once more. Had a good conversation with someone that really brought my spirits up, even made an appointment with my doctor for next month. Feeling hopeful and excited for that. Keeping my fingers crossed, and my hopes alive.
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas! Hope that its full of cheer and time with people you love!

Just when I think I'm getting better.

I'm sure my blogs lately are severely unlacking in the depressing department. I have to say that I thought I was moving forward once more. But I seem to be stuck in auto-drive. I have no desire to eat healthy, and lack motivation to do so. I am feeling my time with crafting, and family gathering for birthdays and Christmas things. I have hopes once the holidays are over I will be able to jump back into my routine, and  possibly cut some un-healthy things out of my lifestyle. At this point there really are no words to help, or make me feel better, and I still have no idea what I should do. I am lacking in the answers department. People trying to help only make me feel like crap, for my attitude, and feelings. I feel stupid myself for them so people pointing out there stupidness only makes me feel more dumb. I have decided that since what I want is to naturally help my pcos, that I will continue on the journey and only use medicine when necessary, as not to harm myself more. I just can't do doctors, its not what I want, and I am just afraid they are going to tell me what I don't want to hear, after my last experience which left me crying. So I press on the only way I know how. My eating crappy food that I make, and keeping myself busy. And hopefully this funk will pass sooner then later. That's enough honesty for the day. Enjoy.

Ohhh December.

You gave me hopes for things you did not deliver.
You brought me tears and frustration on days that should have been full of joy.
You let me have dreams and wishes that won't come true.
You dissappoint me and make me happy.
You make me smile and make me cry.
You leave me with disbelief.
Without hope.
I push through your busy bringing.
I make and bake and buy to get through this season.
I fake smiles, and avoid gatherings.
I pretend that I have it all together.
I avoid conversations.
I say things I don't mean.
I keep surviving the only way I know how.

Tired.

I can't even tell you all the things I have tried to lose weight, or to help my pcos, which is the reason for my weight in the first place. I had a moment today, I saw something that someone said I should read that they were going to try. And I am just tired. Tired of trying this and that, and nothing ever working. Tired of having to try so hard for anything to work. Just tired of having to try at all really. I start crying this morning talking to my husband. All of this trying is overwhelming, and dissapponiting to. I know everyone says when you stop trying it will happen. I also know that no matter how hard I try or don't try, that its gonna to happen when its suppose to happen. Same with meeting my husband, just when I finally had given up there He was, like a gift. I just don't want to have to do all that I am doing, but I can't just not do anything. All this medicine stuff is confusing. And I read so much stuff, that I don't know whether I am making things up or if they are really happening. Just the thought of having to do all the things I should do to be more aware of my body, drains every ounce out of me. Even though all this wears and eats at me, I still have hope. Somehow.

Somedays

Pcos gets the best of me.
It makes me want to scream.
And only hope for some kind of normalcy.
It makes me feel sick.
Frustrated.
Angry.

For my Husband, my lover, and my best friend. MY Everything. :)

I remember......

When I first realized that I loved you.

The moment that you said I love you.

The times that we just sit and hold hands, because love is enough.

When you asked me to be your wife.

The excitement of new love.

When I walked down the stairs to take your hand and follow you for the rest of our lives.

When I first saw your face that day.

When you were so overwhelmed, and I had to hide my face from yours.

With this ring.

When we kissed for the first time, as husband and wife.

When I realized that no one could have been more perfect for me then you are.

When I realized that you were everything that God knew I ever needed. Which is so much more then I ever knew to want.

When you make me smile.

When you make me laugh.

When I realized that you are my whole world, and I wouldn't know how to live without you.

That you have forever changed me, and I will never be the same.

I love you more than I could ever say.

And I thank God that he brought you to me, just when I needed you most.

......

I can't come up with a good title. I wanted to write yesterday, but I couldn't come up with a title so I gave up, and then again today, I try to think of a title, and nothing seems to fit.

Trying to decide how personal or unpersonal I want to be. I stopped advertising my new blog enteries on facebook, I don't really write to get responses, although those are nice, I mostly just do it for myself. I honestly don't even know if anyone reads my stuff anymore.

All that to get to what I wanted to write about which is the random burst on hopefulness I have been feeling lately. As I have stated before I have PCOS, and for the past 7 months I have been "trying" to have a baby. My husband is all for it, so don't think that he has no idea of my intentions. I'm no trickster. Well I honestly feel stupid saying that I have been trying as who knows when "tom"(time of the month) as my husband likes to call it will show up, so when Tom doesnt visit it seems like I am not really trying. Buy anyways I was and still am on a health kick. Trying to do my best to be healthy. And was hoping to make Tom visit without having to take medicine. So Since June which was my last visit. I had been taking herbs, and eating better, and excercising. Well needless to say although I have not stopped my efforts, they did not do as I was hoping, and as I don't want to up my chances of getting cervical cancer, I went ahead and took provera.

Provera is progesterone which basically give your body a withdrawal bleed when you stop taking it. I have tried using the natural progesterone creams but they just don't work like the medicine. After talking with several people, as I really did not want to have to take medicine to have a visit from Tom or fertility drugs to have a baby I decided that I have to do whats best for me, and sometimes medicine is whats best. Although I dont think it should always be the only or immediate answer. I have decided upon a plan, and I even feel like the Lord has led me in this direction. This cycle I am trying Soy Isoflavones, which are like a natural clomid. Clomid is the first drug that my doctor will give me to induce ovulation, in hopes of getting pregnant. Forgive if I don't explain all of this correctly as I am just joining this bandwagon so its all kind of new to me, but the soy isoflavones you take just like clomid, a certain amount of specifice days of your cycle. I am not going to get into all the details as its just alot of information. But anyways I am taking them this cycle days 3-7, 150mg.

It was really a difficult choice for me to take medicine, as I feel I should be able to have a cycle and ovulate and all these things on my own, Basically just because that is what I want. Back to the Soy. So I am taking them this month and next granted they don't work and I don't get pregnant. And then after that, I am going to go back to the doctor and start whatever process she has for me. And just wait for my miracle. I know its possible, and my husband has brought me to the point where I know I need to just stop believing that it isn't. He has so much for faith then I do, which is a whole nother blog entry. There have been several things that have happened lately that have raised my hopes. I feel very positive, as up until now I really haven't felt positive. Or really allowed myself to hope, probably out of fear of being dissappointed. I would be lying to you to tell you that I am not scared at all. I am trying my best not to feed the monster of fear, as it can debilitate you. And if I get another negative test I don't know how I will react or feel, and if I get pregnant and have a miscarriage I don't know how it will make me feel, or how I will handle it. I sometimes think about telling everyone I am pregnant and then having to tell them I had a miscarriage,. Or to have a stillborn baby. These are things that people shouldn't have to think about. But I do truly believe that God know how much we can handle, and he won't give us more than we can handle. And I know that I am on this journey for a reason. I have no idea why, and I wish I could have an easier one. But this is what I have been given, so I press on, keep my head up, and wait.

There have been several woman in a group I am in, who all have PCOS, that have gotten there BFP, which stands for big fat postive. So that is encouraging, because most of the time its depressing seeing all the negatives. So maybe my time will come soon!

Life isn't fair.

I don't want sympathy, and I understand that their are people who have things in their life that are much worst then my complaints. And I know that I have alot to be thankful for, but I just want to rant, because I have that right.

It's not fair that people can get pregnant so easily without even trying or wanting a baby, and I can not even have a period.

It's not fair that people who could care less about their kids have them.

It's not fair that the man that I love has an uncurable disease, and people take advantage of the health they have every day.

Im sure that I could come up with alot more things that aren't fair but instead I will move on to my next topic.

So I've been trying to change alot of things in my life. In hopes that it will give me a more healthy environment, and maybe fix all the issues that pcos causes me to have.
First I changed what I eat, I base my diet on wholegrains, and try not to eat alot of processed foods, eating more organic stuff, and fruits and vegetables.I have started buying organic makeup and house hold cleaners, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, and deodarant. There are alot of chemicals in all these things that we use on a daily basis that can seriously effect us. There is alot more that I could do, but I am trying a little at a time. I've also been taking different herbs, stop drinking coffee. Anything to help, cause I don't want to be held back anymore.

I hope that all my efforts will give me the results I want which is to have a baby. I am trying to take it one day at a time, but that is hard especially when I look at my period tracker and realize I haven't even had a cycle in over 100 days. It's a frustrating process, waiting for a period. Or waiting to take a test. But at least I can see results with the changes I have made over the last month. I have lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks. And am able to wear pants that I couldn't wear a month ago, and my clothes are getting bigger, I feel better overall.

The hard part about the baby thing is wanting to give my husband a child and feeling inadequate as a woman for not being able to do that. Trying not to blame myself as it's not really anything I've done to cause me to have PCOS. Then you have the option of adoption which I think is a really great thing, and I am not opposed to. I just am afraid, of not being able to have enough money to be a candidate, afraid of the back ground of where the child came from and issues they could have from that. Afraid of doing the wrong thing. Even though I know that all these things could be handled and I know that nothing is ever easy, and it would take work. And I worry about how certain people would treat the child or children we adopteD. There are so many things, things that I can't prepare myself for, or know until in that moment. It's hard trusting, and even having faith, because just because I believe something will happen it may not.

In which I boycott Facebook

I guess Im not really boycotting it if I still have my account. But I am just rathered annoyed with the over whelmed feeling I have when I sign into Facebook. There all these notfictaions of things that I have "missed" Links people posted, events I am invited to, pictures from my friends, groups that I am in have discussions and people have asked questions that I have missed. Its all to much to keep up with, and I for one feel that things that stress me out are just not worth my time. So needless to say, I may update my status once and a while, but I won't be going through a confusing newsfeed, or trying to respond too 25 different questions. I will however be reading me emails, and responding to text messages, and even tweeting. So if you would like to reach me any of those ways feel free to do so!

@ambersramblings <-- That's my twitter ;)

Just because it's free.

"We are conditioned that we must pay for anything of value. That we get what we pay for, or what we deserve."

How untrue it is that we get what we deserve. I don't think that my husband did anything to deserve a life-threatening disease that takes away his ability to do anything for himself. I don't think that people deserve to lose their babies before they even know them, there are alot of things that happen to use that we don't deserve. A lot of things in life that aren't "fair." If I only get to have 2 years with Matt, it's not because that is what I deserved to have. If I never am able to have a baby, it's not because I didn't deserve it. I wish that I could make life easy that people didn't have to live through so much pain. Sometimes its about perspective. I have to be thankful for what I do have, instead of focusing on what I don't. I have to be happy to have the man I love in my life, regardless of his condition. I have to remember that no one is promised tomorrow, and to love everyone as much as I can with every moment that I have with them. I have to be thankful for my puppy that loves me and wakes me up at 4:30 and 6:30 to go outside every night. I have to be thankful for every moment, even if they are hard. I have to remember that even if something I believed for with everything in my whole entire being to happen never happens; that it's not because I wasn't good enough, or didn't love enough, or didn't deserve it that it didn't happen. I have to stand on the truth that I know that this is not the end. That the best is yet to come. Because without that Hope, I have no reason to continue on. I have to remember that sometimes it has to get really low down deep in the dungeon where it seems like there is no hope bad, before it can get better.

Duchenne.

The other day I experienced something great in the midst of a terrible disease.
I watched a little boy get to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game.
It was a rather moving moment in the most uncorny way possible.
It was beautiful actually, because if it wasn't for my husband, this little boy would never have got to experience that. And to me that moment was worth more money then we will probably ever raise.
But I also felt sad, I do not think that Matt's life is boring by any means. I think considering his curcumstances we do alot, we live a pretty normal life. We probably have more medical equipment in our home than a "normal couple." Thankfully though most of it is for those "in-case" moments.
But I felt sad thinking about all the things that this little boy and other little boys and even girls that have Duchenne Muscular dystrophy will have to miss out on. And how left out they may feel. And I hope that they all have parents and friends that go the extra mile to make them not feel that way. Matt said something to me once that I will never forget. When we were dating he told me that dating me made him forget that he was handicapped. Imagine that. I think its because I don't let it limit what we do, or stop us from enjoying life. Yes there are still things that he can't do, but I still take him along and let him enjoy all those things if possible, and it helps that I have a family that is willing to help, and include him in everything we do. And I think that is how it should be, no one should get left out because they are "different." I think this is a really good quote. “You can have anything you want if you will give up the belief that you can't have it.” - My husband Matt has always believed that he would find a woman that would take care of him, and get married, and it happened. I believe in his case that he found this cause he never gave up hope and believe that he really could have it. Alot of times we want things but don't believe that we deserve them. I heard a saying once, that the things you fear you draw to you. I'm not saying that it always happens that way, or that something terrible that happened to you is your fault, but sometimes this is very true. So just don't give up hope for your dreams. or your dreams for your kids. Even when it doesn't look like it will never happen, don't stop Believing. :) (Yes I know that is a song)

Worry.

It's funny actually because one of my favorite passages in the scriptures is about worry, and its one of the things I struggle with the most.

Matthew 6:25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


On to my blogishness. I know I shouldn't worry and I know alot of scripture that say God will give you the desires of your heart, and lots of things to go along with that. And I know that I am suppose to do things to receive those things, and blah blah blah. But I also know that I have faith that God can do anything, and believe that miracles will happen in my life, but at the same time I wonder why do I deserve it more than someone else? And It's not that I think I do deserve it more than the next person. But I wonder, because I know that there are people who try and try to have babies and then they do and there baby is still born. And people who have kids with cancer who are pastors who pray and pray and have lots of faith and their child still dies. So sometimes I wonder if that can happen to them it can happen to me right? Yes it can. And if it doesn't, I don't think it's because they could handle that and I can't. So I wonder why them and not me? I know there really isn't answer. But as I hope for healing, and babies, and many things for many different people I love. I know that I can believe with all I have and it still might not come true. And I think that it's not just faith. Cause there have been people with as much faith or even more than I have had, and they still didn't get what the believed in. And I know that I even if it doesn't happen here, then there is a better place. Where all this heartahce and pain doesn't exist, and that makes me happy. But I still wonder alot, And I'm sure I will continue to do that. And I still hope that I will get the things my heart desires, even if I know that there is a big chance I won't. And I still worry even though I know it does me no good. And I still don't understand alot of things, even though I wish I could.

Babies.

Where to even start. I think the title says it all. Until I fell in love with my husband, I never Really truly wanted to have a child of my own, when I say of my own, I mean that was created by my husband and I. I know everyone's probably thinking that I haven't even been married that long so what's the big deal. I think its harder when you know there is a much larger possibility of not being able to have a baby then there is of being able to have one. I have Polycystic ovarian syndrome. Which is more common then you would think, even though you may not of heard of it. Basically my ovaries produce lots of small cysts, I don't have periods very often or at all, unless I use medicine to make my body have one. There are other syptoms as well. If your interested you can read about it online. Anyways no period means no ovulating which means no babies, without a miracle, or drugs. I'm not trying to rush having a baby. And I believe if I am suppose to have one I will, its just hard sometimes facing the reality of not being able too, which honestly never seemed to be a big deal to me. I know I haven't been trying and trying for years and gone through every thing possible to man to have a baby with failure. But I understand the pain of knowing that you can't bring life into this world, or a life that is the fruit of a deep love you have for someone that you couldn't imagine living this life without. Just some thoughts from a girl, whose living a learning. I know I have some many things to be thankful for and I don't ever want to take those things for granted. But sometimes the things you don't have or can't have win out over all the things you do.

hope.

Believing that even when the what the docotor says isn't what you want to hear, doesn't mean it still isn't going to happen.
Knowing that you aren't just seeing things because you want to see them, but that they are really happening.
Something can be working even if a report doesn't say so.
knowing that even if no one else has the hope you do your not crazy and those things can still happen.
Trusting that your hope is not in vain.
Believing that love really does conquer all.
Being humble that a love you have is inspring.
Realizing that something that feels so naturally to you, is an inspiration to others. Gives hope to people who thought they could never have those things, or the children could never have it.
Being touched that people see you as an angel.
Knowing that you will never stop hoping or loving no matter how much opposition or hurt comes your way. Because you found the one thing in life that you will never ever give up on.

blabbings

I am going to make a quick note that this has nothing to do with anyone who is currently very involved in my life. :) So don't worry if you are reading this, more than likely its definetly not about you.

I have had a few weeks were It feels difficult to describe the way I feel. I'm not one of those people to just say I am fine if you ask me. I will avoid answering the question if you ask and I don't want to tell you what I am really thinking or feeling. Any how I have been in what my mom calls a funk. It has nothing to do with my amzing husband or our marriage or anything that he has said or done. THat part of my life is an amazing season, and I am LOVING being married, and my husband! Its wonderful more than I could have ever dreamed it to be. I have however been trying to move past some things that happened to/slash I went through this past year. It's hard for me to move forward from them. Today however I realized that I must just leave those pieces behind. I must just live with the unsettled issues. I must realize that people are people and we all make mistakes. I have to find my place, I can't let what other people have done push me out of places that I want to be. (Thanks Mom, I'll give you credit for some of these thoughts) It's hard to do this sometimes. It makes me feel stuck at times. It's hard to explain all the things I feel, not sure if anyone can really realte to this or not.

I always thought that I would be involved in ministry, and lately I find myself not wanting to be involved at all, mostly this has to do with things that have happened to me in the last year. Things that made me realize why people don't get to close to people, or to involved in church. I am still struggling to find my place, and I think with time it will come. There is alot of weight to carry when being in ministry, alot of responsibility. I don't believe I am ready to carry that, and wonder if I ever will be again. At the same time, my desires have changed. After marrying Matt more than anything I want to be a great wife, to have a family (yes I want to have some babies) and be a good mother. And everything beyond that doesn't really matter to me anymore. Well I still love Jesus of course! I think for a long time I was searching and searching to fill a void. I wanted more than anything to have a husband and to simply be a wife to support his dreams and love him. And I didnt have that and couldnt find that, so I tried to be all these other things and do all these other things to try and fill that void. And when I finally surrendered that desire, I was given what I wanted.

So now to me, I just try and live everyday and enjoy it, and not dwell on the future but know that it will work itself out. I am having a harder time not dwelling on the past though. Maybe I will conquer that soon.

If you reading this and your confused and aren't sure of th point of this blog. Well you probably don't know me very well, cause if you did you would know how random I am, and how I jump from thought to thought. And I don't know that there is a point to my blog. I just sharing my thoughts mostly.

VECTTOR

My experience with Dr.Rhodes Vecttor treatment.
As you all know my husband Matt has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. When we were dating he had informed me of a doctor in Corpus Christi that was using a machine that used electrodes on accupressure and accupunctures points sending electricity through the body which helps with oxidative stress. Oxidative Stree is what keep utrophin from developing which is the back-up for dystrophin. Dystrophin is the protein that helps your muscles rebuild. People who have dmd do not create any dystrophin. ( I would like to take a moment and say I am not expert on this disease or with medicine, or anything of that sort, I only have knowledge of what I have read and researched myself and learned from my husband Matt) Anyways back to my story, as Matt and I started to get more serious and felt that we both were headed on the same path and that path was marriage, I continued to research The Vecttor system and progress of other people who were using the machine. I am very optimistic, and hope constantly for Matt's health to improve, however that may happen. I do not care if he ever walks again I just want him to live a long, healthy, and happy life with me. Matt and I decided that since I already had a home and many of the things that one gets as wedding gifts, that we would ask for money instead, and travel to Corpus Christi for our honeymoon and see what all this rave over this Vecttor Machine was about. We went down to Corpus for about a week and five of those days we went into Dr. Rhodes office. While there we heard many stories about boys with Matt's disease and with Becker's as well. All of different ages. Stories that gave me hope. We saw things change immediately upon using the machine, the main and most noticeable was Matt's circulation, which has continued to get better. The Vecttor machine is very easy to use, sometimes it seems hard to fit the treatments in, but well worth the effort. We went to Corpus and Matt was evaluated and we learned how to use the machine. Dr. Rhodes has protocols which are basically different placements of the electrodes. You do a treatment on your feet and hands twice a day. each of these treatments are 40 minutes. So it about 90 minutes in the morning and the evening. After the first month you can d just one treatment in the evening if you prefer. But it does not hurt to keep doing two especially with such a life threatening disease as Duchenne. I have to say about a month into so just a few weeks ago I started to get discouraged. I was hoping that Matt would be able to use his arms again already. I know that is a big dream, and I still believe one day it will come true. Baby steps, those are some of the great awe moments, when you realize that they are getting better. I will say that Matt's heart rate has lowered. He has had resting tachycardia, meaning his heart beats at about 120-130 when he is resting it should be 80-90 he was taking metaprolol once everynight to help with this. His heart rate now stays in the lower 90's or below and he is no longer taking that medicine. Which is wonderful. Also this past weekend we went out both Friday and Saturday for different events. I believe it was on Saturday evening Matt told me he noticed he was leaning over more, he felt able to support his own weight better. Meaning that his core muscles are stronger. This is amazing. Duchenne boys are not suppose to get better, so this means that VECTTOR has to be working. I am thankful to God for this. I know that He led us to this treatment, and continues to lead us in the right direction for Matt's health. I look forward to many more good reports.
Amber

Change

I have decided to change this up a little bit. And talk about my life. My new life. The life of a woman married to an amazing man who happens to be disabled. My husband has a very severe form of muscular dystrophy called Duchenne. It affects about 1 in 3500 boys. THey are usually diagnosed when they are young 2 to 8 years old. And with the advancement of our technology they are able to tell alot sooner than when Matt was younger. Matt was diagnosed when he was 8 and was able to still walk till he was about 13 years old. These disease usually kills most boys by the time the reach their late teens and early twenties. Most die from enlarged hearts. Matt is lucky to have a fairly normal heart. Others die from lung problems due to skeletal defects because of having to be in a wheelchair at such a young age. Matt is forturnate to be doing fairly well for someone his age. And I am forturnate to have him in my life. This has been quite a journey since meeting him. I would not say that our life together is hard, it has its difficulties. But I do not feel like my life is abnormal. We are currently in the process of Matt trying to find a job, and in the meantime looking for part time home care on our own, meaning that we would be the employer of someone who is their own contractor. We were going through medicaid. But I personally do not like the government in more of my business then they already are. Trying to control limits on how much I can save. And trying to keep you below. I want to make it without there help for as long as I possibly can. Which brings me to another frustration Health Insurance! There are so many regulations and not very many options for people who are permantely disabled. All this to say that although there may be different struggles being married to a disabled man. I would do it over and over again. Because Matt is the best thing that ever happened to me. And I know that God is on our side. And I will value all the time we have together and believe that He will lead us in the right direction that He will provide for all our needs. I believe that He lead us to Dr. Rhodes. And that his treatment can help prolong Matt's life. I also believe that the Lord could even heal Matt, And I will continue to believe that, Because I know that He brought Matt into my life for a reason.