I'm not calling it a resolution, and I didn't even decide to do it before the new year or on new years day, but like a week and a half later. So, I will just say that I have decided to read through the whole bible. So I started a one year bible plan on youversion.com, I have read lots of parts of the bible but never the whole thing all the way through. I feel intrigued there are parts that are confusing like all the son of's and daughters of's. However I get drawn into stories like a good book, and I think that's how it should be. I hope that it stays that way. Every good book, has some part that you don't like, or seems to drag on, that you just read through, because you desire to know the whole story.
I have also noticed that things that I have read before stick out to me now. Like this verse:
3 Then the LORD said, “My Spirit will not put up witht humans for such a long time, for they are only mortal flesh. In the future, their normal lifespan will be no more than 120 years.” Genesis 6:3
I never really realized that it was all the crappy things that man was doing, that was frustrating God, made him decide that He wasn't going to let us live to be 900 years old anymore. It's just interesting!
I also read in Genesis 5, about all these men having their first sons when they were 65 all the way to 187 years old. That is crazy to me. And I know its different because they lived to be 800 plus years old, but still here I am 26 going crazy that I haven't had a child yet. They had to wait 65 years or longer to have a child. I can't even imagine that, but I also can't imagine being 900 years old either.
Don't miss the Beautiful!
- OwlBeHonest
- I love my husband to the moon, And am now called mama by a beautiful blue eyed boy. Life scares me and excites me all at the same time. I like making things, cooking, coffee, sushi, trying new thing and I love being married.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Pain is Pain
I often contemplate writing certain thing. As blunt as I might be at times, I still don't want to offend people, especially people that I love. But the whole Owl be honest, is just that, being honest! So I write these things I feel, for people to know that they are not alone.
I often hate the way that being infertile (that's the medical term they use) has made me feel. I often am jealous, upset, annoyed, I feel as if I am not good enough. That I am not much of a woman. That my husband deserves better, ashamed that I am not able to get pregnant, frustrated, Afraid, and so many other things.
And I know that I haven't really walked this road that long compared to so many others, but my pain to me is just as real and hard as someone that's done this for 20 years.
Hope. See that's hard to. I have hope that I will have a miracle. But often I spend a whole month or more hoping and then I have that test in my hand and its another negative, or there isn't even a point to take a test, or I have to take medicine again, and I am reminded of how much of a failure I feel like I am as a woman. And through all this I still remember that God has a plan. But even that is hard at times.
I have friends getting pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm not. It's a terrible thing you see, because it drives you from people that you love. And you don't really want to talk about it, cause it doesn't seem as if anyone can really understand this pain you feel. And you feel stupid for feeling all the things that you do. And you think about how people will respond, and are afraid of what they might say to you, and you know there are many things you have to be thankful for, and many things that are much worse then the pain you feel. But this is your pain, and it hurts you a lot.
Back to hope, there's hope. There are lots of drugs and procedures that I have yet to try. But just the fact that I have to do them is another cut to my self esteem as a woman. And the fear of that long road is often overwhelming. In reality it could be short, but it just doesn't seem realistic that for me, it would be short. I'm afraid of what that road will do to me, and the person it might make me become. But I don't want to not try.
It's even frustrating when people try to help, when they say things like well maybe if you lost some weight, or if you tried doing this or that. I listen, and I say thanks, and I truly appreciate that people care and want to help. It just that, even if I do those things, even if I take all the medicine the doctor gives me, or even if I eat livers and organs and everything organic, it might not work at all. And although there are many other means to having kids, this is still a great loss, and its not one that you just get over easily.
I often hate the way that being infertile (that's the medical term they use) has made me feel. I often am jealous, upset, annoyed, I feel as if I am not good enough. That I am not much of a woman. That my husband deserves better, ashamed that I am not able to get pregnant, frustrated, Afraid, and so many other things.
And I know that I haven't really walked this road that long compared to so many others, but my pain to me is just as real and hard as someone that's done this for 20 years.
Hope. See that's hard to. I have hope that I will have a miracle. But often I spend a whole month or more hoping and then I have that test in my hand and its another negative, or there isn't even a point to take a test, or I have to take medicine again, and I am reminded of how much of a failure I feel like I am as a woman. And through all this I still remember that God has a plan. But even that is hard at times.
I have friends getting pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm not. It's a terrible thing you see, because it drives you from people that you love. And you don't really want to talk about it, cause it doesn't seem as if anyone can really understand this pain you feel. And you feel stupid for feeling all the things that you do. And you think about how people will respond, and are afraid of what they might say to you, and you know there are many things you have to be thankful for, and many things that are much worse then the pain you feel. But this is your pain, and it hurts you a lot.
Back to hope, there's hope. There are lots of drugs and procedures that I have yet to try. But just the fact that I have to do them is another cut to my self esteem as a woman. And the fear of that long road is often overwhelming. In reality it could be short, but it just doesn't seem realistic that for me, it would be short. I'm afraid of what that road will do to me, and the person it might make me become. But I don't want to not try.
It's even frustrating when people try to help, when they say things like well maybe if you lost some weight, or if you tried doing this or that. I listen, and I say thanks, and I truly appreciate that people care and want to help. It just that, even if I do those things, even if I take all the medicine the doctor gives me, or even if I eat livers and organs and everything organic, it might not work at all. And although there are many other means to having kids, this is still a great loss, and its not one that you just get over easily.
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