Tired.

I can't even tell you all the things I have tried to lose weight, or to help my pcos, which is the reason for my weight in the first place. I had a moment today, I saw something that someone said I should read that they were going to try. And I am just tired. Tired of trying this and that, and nothing ever working. Tired of having to try so hard for anything to work. Just tired of having to try at all really. I start crying this morning talking to my husband. All of this trying is overwhelming, and dissapponiting to. I know everyone says when you stop trying it will happen. I also know that no matter how hard I try or don't try, that its gonna to happen when its suppose to happen. Same with meeting my husband, just when I finally had given up there He was, like a gift. I just don't want to have to do all that I am doing, but I can't just not do anything. All this medicine stuff is confusing. And I read so much stuff, that I don't know whether I am making things up or if they are really happening. Just the thought of having to do all the things I should do to be more aware of my body, drains every ounce out of me. Even though all this wears and eats at me, I still have hope. Somehow.

Somedays

Pcos gets the best of me.
It makes me want to scream.
And only hope for some kind of normalcy.
It makes me feel sick.
Frustrated.
Angry.

For my Husband, my lover, and my best friend. MY Everything. :)

I remember......

When I first realized that I loved you.

The moment that you said I love you.

The times that we just sit and hold hands, because love is enough.

When you asked me to be your wife.

The excitement of new love.

When I walked down the stairs to take your hand and follow you for the rest of our lives.

When I first saw your face that day.

When you were so overwhelmed, and I had to hide my face from yours.

With this ring.

When we kissed for the first time, as husband and wife.

When I realized that no one could have been more perfect for me then you are.

When I realized that you were everything that God knew I ever needed. Which is so much more then I ever knew to want.

When you make me smile.

When you make me laugh.

When I realized that you are my whole world, and I wouldn't know how to live without you.

That you have forever changed me, and I will never be the same.

I love you more than I could ever say.

And I thank God that he brought you to me, just when I needed you most.

......

I can't come up with a good title. I wanted to write yesterday, but I couldn't come up with a title so I gave up, and then again today, I try to think of a title, and nothing seems to fit.

Trying to decide how personal or unpersonal I want to be. I stopped advertising my new blog enteries on facebook, I don't really write to get responses, although those are nice, I mostly just do it for myself. I honestly don't even know if anyone reads my stuff anymore.

All that to get to what I wanted to write about which is the random burst on hopefulness I have been feeling lately. As I have stated before I have PCOS, and for the past 7 months I have been "trying" to have a baby. My husband is all for it, so don't think that he has no idea of my intentions. I'm no trickster. Well I honestly feel stupid saying that I have been trying as who knows when "tom"(time of the month) as my husband likes to call it will show up, so when Tom doesnt visit it seems like I am not really trying. Buy anyways I was and still am on a health kick. Trying to do my best to be healthy. And was hoping to make Tom visit without having to take medicine. So Since June which was my last visit. I had been taking herbs, and eating better, and excercising. Well needless to say although I have not stopped my efforts, they did not do as I was hoping, and as I don't want to up my chances of getting cervical cancer, I went ahead and took provera.

Provera is progesterone which basically give your body a withdrawal bleed when you stop taking it. I have tried using the natural progesterone creams but they just don't work like the medicine. After talking with several people, as I really did not want to have to take medicine to have a visit from Tom or fertility drugs to have a baby I decided that I have to do whats best for me, and sometimes medicine is whats best. Although I dont think it should always be the only or immediate answer. I have decided upon a plan, and I even feel like the Lord has led me in this direction. This cycle I am trying Soy Isoflavones, which are like a natural clomid. Clomid is the first drug that my doctor will give me to induce ovulation, in hopes of getting pregnant. Forgive if I don't explain all of this correctly as I am just joining this bandwagon so its all kind of new to me, but the soy isoflavones you take just like clomid, a certain amount of specifice days of your cycle. I am not going to get into all the details as its just alot of information. But anyways I am taking them this cycle days 3-7, 150mg.

It was really a difficult choice for me to take medicine, as I feel I should be able to have a cycle and ovulate and all these things on my own, Basically just because that is what I want. Back to the Soy. So I am taking them this month and next granted they don't work and I don't get pregnant. And then after that, I am going to go back to the doctor and start whatever process she has for me. And just wait for my miracle. I know its possible, and my husband has brought me to the point where I know I need to just stop believing that it isn't. He has so much for faith then I do, which is a whole nother blog entry. There have been several things that have happened lately that have raised my hopes. I feel very positive, as up until now I really haven't felt positive. Or really allowed myself to hope, probably out of fear of being dissappointed. I would be lying to you to tell you that I am not scared at all. I am trying my best not to feed the monster of fear, as it can debilitate you. And if I get another negative test I don't know how I will react or feel, and if I get pregnant and have a miscarriage I don't know how it will make me feel, or how I will handle it. I sometimes think about telling everyone I am pregnant and then having to tell them I had a miscarriage,. Or to have a stillborn baby. These are things that people shouldn't have to think about. But I do truly believe that God know how much we can handle, and he won't give us more than we can handle. And I know that I am on this journey for a reason. I have no idea why, and I wish I could have an easier one. But this is what I have been given, so I press on, keep my head up, and wait.

There have been several woman in a group I am in, who all have PCOS, that have gotten there BFP, which stands for big fat postive. So that is encouraging, because most of the time its depressing seeing all the negatives. So maybe my time will come soon!