Where is my faith?

As they sailed across, Jesus settled down for a nap. But soon a fierce storm came down on the lake. The boat was filling with water, and they were in real danger.

 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!”

When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and the raging waves. Suddenly the storm stopped and all was calm. (Luke 8:23, 24 NLT)

 Then he asked them, “Where is your faith?”

The disciples were terrified and amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked each other. “When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!” (Luke 8:25 NLT)

Where is my faith? 

This has been quite a journey and one that has only just begun. I make great advances forward, and get knocked back. I have great days, even weeks, then I have horrible days where all the good days are forgotten. Days where my faith seems lost. Where all I can see if the storm around me, where the remberance of the beautiful sun shining is gone.  Days filled with negative thoughts, unnecessary comparisons, a timeline I created that is never going to be met. Where it feels hopeless, and my eyes fill covered in muck. Where all things seem unfair. All I can remember is the ugly of this journey. 

I look around I see the giant waves, I wonder how I will ever make it through this. I feel the rain pounding on my face, the boat rocking back and forth. I can see no one or no land in sight. I am afraid, terrified. Then peace begins to wash over me, and someone takes my hand. The boat steadies. The waves don't seem so intimidating anymore. I know whether I see it or not, that there is land somewhere in front of me. I trust that there is something bigger then the storm. I choose to believe and see these things, instead of the storm that is still raging around me. I grab one paddle, then the next, and I begin to move forward, using the waves to get closer to that land I know is out there. I choose to overcome my fear, my doubt, and press forward. 

Where to begin?

This has been a tough year so far, its had its beautiful moments, and also ones that were bitter sweet. I  guess I could start in June... We found out on the 4th of June, we would be expecting our first child. I can not even tell you how excited we were after over a year of trying with no results. I haven't really talked much about what has happened, I can feel shaky as I sit here typing this. If you haven't read any of my previous post, I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, so I was seeing a doctor before we ever tried and taking some medication to help us have a baby, so they have been monitoring me very closely. I had to call them as soon as I took a test with the results and they made me come in that day to take a blood draw. My hcg was on the lower side, but they said as long as it kept doubling there wasn't anything to worry about. I suppose I had all these presumptions, thinking that this was finally our break, after all the months of trying. I had planned everything out since I have to take medicine to even start my cycle. I knew in May that if everything worked I would be having our first child around my birthday. How exciting, to me anyways. I continued to get my blood drawn every few days and the next week I went in and my hcg was only around 100 and should have been about 500 and something. I would have to go in the morning to get my blood drawn and then come home or where ever, and wait for the nurse to call me with the results usually around 1pm or so. I'm sure you can imagine how nerve racking that is. This was a very sad day for us, within a week and a half we had gone from excitement of having our first child, to the disappointment of being told we had a chemical pregnancy. You go through many emotions, I did a lot of internet research to figure out what that even meant. It's basically a miscarriage, just its so early on that most people don't even know its happened. But its more common now, because of all the early pregnancy test. So at this point I'm only 5 weeks. They tell me they are sorry and I should expect some bleeding and to come back in a week for another blood draw to make sure my hcg is dropping. From what I read I expected to just have a period. As early as it was it wasn't suppose to be to "messy." It still was horrible emotionally. 

Well a week passes by and I go in for another blood draw. Go home wait, nurse calls and tell me my hcg is 500? Wait, I'm confused how is that possible? Oh sometimes this happens, it could be etopic, I know its difficult to understand, but this just happens sometime, we don't know why. I get off the phone tell Matt, cry, feel confused, call a midwife in Rockwall, she tells me I could have had implantation bleeding, it's still to soon to know anything. But there not really anything to be done, but wait. Well I've been doing that for a while so I can wait a little longer. So two days later I start having what I think is just a muscle cramp in my right thigh. I try eating a banana, drinking some water, it wont go away it gets worse goes up into my hip and groin. This is way worse than any cramp I have ever experienced. So I call the on call doctor he tells me to go to the emergency, because they have yet to rule out that it is etopic. I go they do a woman exam, its the worse pain I have felt in my life, I'm squirming and crying and she just keeps doing her thing. I also have to get a sonogram which also hurts. They find nothing, My hcg has started to fall though. And so they talk to the on call doctor, come up with a plan, which is to send me home, with pain meds, and I go to my doctor office first thing in the morning for a repeat of whats been done at the hospital, then they will decide what to do. I am frustrated. I just want this to be over. 

Next morning I go to my doctor, they repeat test. Mind you the anti-nausea medicine I was given didn't help and I puked twice on the way there. And could barely keep my head up I felt so bad. And they asked me to wait there for the results. Well after 3 1/2 hours They finally have results but can't get a hold of my doctor. Who was to decide whether I would be getting a shot to end the pregnancy or not, since there is still a threat that it is etopic which could kill me. Well I go home anyways and they call 4 hours later and tell me my doctor doesn't want me to do the shot, since my numbers are declining, its better to let it take care of itself. And that I need to come back Monday for another blood draw to make sure my hcg is still dropping. 

I go back Monday its now down in the 200's seems we are finally on the way to getting past this. I am then asked to come back Friday for another draw and see what it is then. I go back Friday and its gone back up to 350. Dear Lord, why is that happening, I am so confused. I don't know what to do. The Doctors want me to come get the shot that will make the fetus absorb and hcg lower and get me past all this. I however don't know what to do and don't feel know that I feel right about getting this shot. I feel this is to big of a decision to make, and how am I to know whats right. I talk to the doctor for a while, he guarantees me this is not a vital pregnancy and in etopic pregnancies the hcg tends to yo-yo like mine has. I use google, try to find out more. I feel lots of pressure. If I don't do it It could rupture and I could bleed internally and die. If I do this can I live with it? I decide that I would be paranoid all weekend if I don't get the shot. Matt agrees, and thinks this will help us be able to finally move past this, and get off the roller coaster of emotions. So I go to the office get the shots, and leave. And then have an allergic reaction to the medicine. My face breaks out in hives, I freak out, call doctor, they tell me to take benadyrl and relax. As long as my breathing is fine, there is no emergency. 

I have to go back on Monday for a blood draw. Hcg has gone up just a little, but I was warned this would happen. And to come back Friday, as long as its gone down we are in the clear, no more shots. Mean time I am having horrible cramps that seem unbearable, never know when they will come, and the only thing that makes them tolerable is a heating pad. I have this off and on for about 5 weeks, until all the HCG is gone which was not until July 25th. At that point I would have been 11 1/2 weeks. So something that was suppose to just be a bleed and i'm all done. Turned into 6 weeks of a nightmare. Its still hard to, emotionally sometimes I just want to fall apart. I feel bad for not feeling bad. Everyone says it gets better. And I'm sure it does. And it has gotten easier. I don't know that already having a child would make this experience easier. I don't know that anything could. 

This has been a roller coaster of emotions, just when I thought I has accepted it and could start moving forward, I would hit another bump, and be so confused. I still feel confused. I have to believe God has a plan, but its hard to believe that. Trust me I know this is not the hardest thing anyone in the world has gone through. But its the hardest thing I have gone through. I still have lots of questions. It's hard to see people who are pregnant. It's hard to even be around them. It's painful. I think about things that now won't happen when they would have happened. Like finding out what we were having around Matt's Birthday. I have to have hope even when I don't want to, because what other point in going on is there, without hope. And I know we will have our day, someday, somehow. But it doesn't make any of this easier, even knowing all those things. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me, or to be mad at me for decisions I've made. I have not meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but not going to baby showers and other parties, I knew would just be too much for me to handle are things that I had to do for myself in this period of my life. 

For now I have to sit and wait until the doctor thinks I'm ready again, I'm not limiting God I know its all ultimately in his hands. I know most people won't read this, but I just thought I'd share. For all I know there is someone else going through this right now, that needed to hear my story? It's hard to go through these things, because people don't really talk about them, I guess maybe they think its taboo. Thing is its happened to a lot more people then we think. I'm still struggling with a lot of emotions and thoughts. I hope to get through this sooner then later. But right now, I'm just not sure how. I hope to figure that out soon.

When the world seems to big for your shoulders.

We found out on Wednesday that my grandpa, dad's dad, has stage 3 cancer. The doctor told him he has maybe a year. We have known about the cancer for a few weeks now, but not how far along it was. I know that doctor's don't know everything and miracles exist. But none of that makes any of it easier to deal with. This on top of other trials, that we are faced with, things that I don't know how to talk about or explain the hurt they cause. I have reached my limit, I don't feel I can be strong anymore. I don't want sympathy, and filler words. I know that people can't possibly truly understand what I am going through. And that I can only deal with it the way that I can. And it may not be acceptable to you, but its the only way I know how to keep surviving. I know all the biblical answers, I know scripture, I know that I have made it through much heartache in my life, but I am at the point where it seems to much, where "God only gives us what we can handle, just doesn't seem true. I have faced many thing in my not so long life, and this just seems unbearable. I know that I can continue on... I know that I will some how, some way make it through. And I hope, even though hope seems only to let me down with a bigger fall, every time. I hope to look back on this time in my life, and see something good out of it. I hope that I will still see a miracle. I hope that good can come from all this pain. So I pick up all my pieces, and I stand, and I do whatever I have to do to keep moving forward.

My favorite month....

It's not my favorite month because of valentine's day. I have never really been anti valentine's day though. Even when I was single and very lonely, I still had parents who would buy me awesome stuff on Valentine's, I also sometimes watched kids so couples could go out.

I just love February, It might only be because it the month of my birth, but I still love it!

This year I realized I am over my birthday, see I always use to make a big deal of it, and starting counting down from about August 16th (My half birthday, told you I made a big deal). But this year it was different, I found that I did not care as much about another birthday. Don't get me wrong I still want to celebrate, and get gifts and eat desserts and yummie food, all to pretty much celebrate me! But I just don't care as much, especially about having a party. As I have gotten older people have mostly seemed to only disappoint around birthdays, specifically my husbands and mine. See last February Matt tried to throw me a surprise party, I say tried because I mostly figured it out. My mom has always said its hard to surprise me, so I feel sorry for my husband because I know he tried really hard. Anyways, some of the most important people to me showed up, I don't want to downplay that point. Only one friend showed the rest was family. That was a bit disappointing. I truly did surprise my husband with a birthday party for him in September, he had NO idea what I was up to. Once again I was disappointed, Many people said they would come and only a handful showed up. Again It was important people, and we still had a great time.

All this has led me to the point where I have decided that Birthday Parties are over-rated. I would rather just have dinner with my husband, and my family. If anyone else wants to show up, or take me out, GREAT! But I won't be expecting those things. I don't want this to make people feel bad, or as if they aren't a good friend.  I am realizing what is important and what is not, because I know that if someone does not come to a Birthday Party it doesn't mean I am not important, or unloved. See, I don't want my friends to think that I don't love them or don't care, because I can't make it to events. Life is too short to worry about things that I cannot control. So this month I will let what happens happen. I will enjoy time with the people I love because who knows how long I have left with those people. I will enjoy good things that happen, and I will press through and keep true Joy even in the bad things that might come my way. Because I know this place is not my home, and I have hope there is a better place for us all someday.

Resolution or not?

I'm not calling it a resolution, and I didn't even decide to do it before the new year or on new years day, but like a week and a half later. So, I will just say that I have decided to read through the whole bible. So I started a one year bible plan on youversion.com,  I have read lots of parts of the bible but never the whole thing all the way through. I feel intrigued there are parts that are confusing like all the son of's and daughters of's. However I get drawn into stories like a good book, and I think that's how it should be. I hope that it stays that way. Every good book, has some part that you don't like, or seems to drag on, that you just read through, because you desire to know the whole story.

I have also noticed that things that I have read before stick out to me now. Like this verse:
3 Then the LORD said, “My Spirit will not put up witht humans for such a long time, for they are only mortal flesh. In the future, their normal lifespan will be no more than 120 years.” Genesis 6:3


I never really realized that it was all the crappy things that man was doing, that was frustrating God, made him decide that He wasn't going to let us live to be 900 years old anymore. It's just interesting!


I also read in Genesis 5,  about all these men having their first sons when they were 65 all the way to 187 years old. That is crazy to me. And I know its different because they lived to be 800 plus years old, but still here I am 26 going crazy that I haven't had a child yet. They had to wait 65 years or longer to have a child. I can't even imagine that, but I also can't imagine being 900 years old either. 

Pain is Pain

I often contemplate writing certain thing. As blunt as I might be at times, I still don't want to offend people, especially people that I love. But the whole Owl be honest, is just that, being honest! So I write these things I feel, for people to know that they are not alone.

I often hate the way that being infertile (that's the medical term they use) has made me feel. I often am jealous, upset, annoyed, I feel as if I am not good enough. That I am not much of a woman. That my husband deserves better, ashamed that I am not able to get pregnant, frustrated, Afraid, and so many other things.

And I know that I haven't really walked this road that long compared to so many others, but my pain to me is just as real and hard as someone that's done this for 20 years.

Hope. See that's hard to. I have hope that I will have a miracle. But often I spend a whole month or more hoping and then I have that test in my hand and its another negative, or there isn't even a point to take a test, or I have to take medicine again, and I am reminded of how much of a failure I feel like I am as a woman. And through all this I still remember that God has a plan. But even that is hard at times.

I have friends getting pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm not. It's a terrible thing you see, because it drives you from people that you love. And you don't really want to talk about it, cause it doesn't seem as if anyone can really understand this pain you feel. And you feel stupid for feeling all the things that you do. And you think about how people will respond, and are afraid of what they might say to you, and you know there are many things you have to be thankful for, and many things that are much worse then the pain you feel. But this is your pain, and it hurts you a lot.

Back to hope, there's hope. There are lots of drugs and procedures that I have yet to try. But just the fact that I have to do them is another cut to my self esteem as a woman. And the fear of that long road is often overwhelming. In reality it could be short, but it just doesn't seem realistic that for me, it would be short. I'm afraid of what that road will do to me, and the person it might make me become. But I don't want to not try.

It's even frustrating when people try to help, when they say things like well maybe if you lost some weight, or if you tried doing this or that. I listen, and I say thanks, and I truly appreciate that people care and want to help. It just that, even if I do those things, even if I take all the medicine the doctor gives me, or even if I eat livers and organs and everything organic, it might not work at all. And although there are many other means to having kids, this is still a great loss, and its not one that you just get over easily.