blabbings

I am going to make a quick note that this has nothing to do with anyone who is currently very involved in my life. :) So don't worry if you are reading this, more than likely its definetly not about you.

I have had a few weeks were It feels difficult to describe the way I feel. I'm not one of those people to just say I am fine if you ask me. I will avoid answering the question if you ask and I don't want to tell you what I am really thinking or feeling. Any how I have been in what my mom calls a funk. It has nothing to do with my amzing husband or our marriage or anything that he has said or done. THat part of my life is an amazing season, and I am LOVING being married, and my husband! Its wonderful more than I could have ever dreamed it to be. I have however been trying to move past some things that happened to/slash I went through this past year. It's hard for me to move forward from them. Today however I realized that I must just leave those pieces behind. I must just live with the unsettled issues. I must realize that people are people and we all make mistakes. I have to find my place, I can't let what other people have done push me out of places that I want to be. (Thanks Mom, I'll give you credit for some of these thoughts) It's hard to do this sometimes. It makes me feel stuck at times. It's hard to explain all the things I feel, not sure if anyone can really realte to this or not.

I always thought that I would be involved in ministry, and lately I find myself not wanting to be involved at all, mostly this has to do with things that have happened to me in the last year. Things that made me realize why people don't get to close to people, or to involved in church. I am still struggling to find my place, and I think with time it will come. There is alot of weight to carry when being in ministry, alot of responsibility. I don't believe I am ready to carry that, and wonder if I ever will be again. At the same time, my desires have changed. After marrying Matt more than anything I want to be a great wife, to have a family (yes I want to have some babies) and be a good mother. And everything beyond that doesn't really matter to me anymore. Well I still love Jesus of course! I think for a long time I was searching and searching to fill a void. I wanted more than anything to have a husband and to simply be a wife to support his dreams and love him. And I didnt have that and couldnt find that, so I tried to be all these other things and do all these other things to try and fill that void. And when I finally surrendered that desire, I was given what I wanted.

So now to me, I just try and live everyday and enjoy it, and not dwell on the future but know that it will work itself out. I am having a harder time not dwelling on the past though. Maybe I will conquer that soon.

If you reading this and your confused and aren't sure of th point of this blog. Well you probably don't know me very well, cause if you did you would know how random I am, and how I jump from thought to thought. And I don't know that there is a point to my blog. I just sharing my thoughts mostly.