What's my calling?

I'm going to try to keep this short and to the punch. In hope's it will actually be read, and absorbed by the people who really need it like I do.

I've been reading 100 days to Brave, the topic the last few days has been your calling. I really haven't taken much time to think about this, its a subject I have always struggled with, feeling God never really gave me one. The last few years being a mom, staying at home to work, taking care of my family. There hasn't been a lot of busyness, I'm not going on mission trips or serving in venues, or giving most of my time to volunteering. I'm doing laundry. caring for my husband, changing diapers, cooking meals, all things I love as much as all the things I did when I was single and didn't have to think about anyone else. 

The question I am left with is: how am I impacting the world by doing what seems mundane and not really able to effect the world outside? I realized this morning, this is my calling, to serve, wherever God has me, right now: that's my family; my job; 2 hours once or twice a month watching-2 year olds so their mom's and dad can go to church and learn and grow; once a month giving boxes of food and taking prayer request from people in need of God's love. 

See my struggle, and I'm sure someone else feels this way, is I think a calling has to be something Big, so I think God just forgot to give me one, or hasn't told me what mine is yet. We have purpose a calling doesn't have to be Speaking to 1000's of people, writing a book, being a Pastor, or any other job in our mind that we see as BIG. A calling can be what your doing right now, whatever that might be, that you don't feel like matters or makes a difference. You do, and God placed you here for a reason. So keep searching for that, keep telling yourself you matter, until you believe it!

*A point Annie F. Downs make is your calling can have several avenues in your life. As I was reflecting on what my calling might be, I thought back to different things I have done in my life that I know God called me to, and looked for a theme. Hopefully that helps someone else. 

The popular question.

Do you think you'll have more.

It seems so innocent. And I know its just a way to carry on a casual conversation with someone you don't know that well or even do. Its a heated question for me though. I don't really know how to answer either. I realize the innocence in it, the curiosity. I know that you don't want me to go into my daily struggles when you ask. That you aren't really ready for me to pour out my heart on how much this little question can really bother me. So I say an answer that is true, and easy to hear.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe, I go back and forth."

I hoped to have another baby by now, or to at least be expecting one.
I would like my son to have a sibling.
It just isn't as easy as deciding you want to have another kid.
I wish it was, but that's just not the way it is for us, and many other couples.
I'm not saying don't ask, but just know that the short little answer isn't the whole story.
(Please don't think this is directed as you if you've asked me this question, It's not)

We struggled to have our son. I had two miscarriages and numerous fertility treatments.
Pretty healthy pregnancy some concern with cyst on my ovaries from the fertility drugs, but they started to shrink around 18-20 weeks. I hoped when I was pregnant that maybe that would up my fertility and we could get pregnant again while Jasper was even a baby. Nothing happened. When he was barely two I had a  wake up moment and decided to make some big changes in regards to my health, over the next year I lost 130 pounds, never got pregnant. Now we are on the verge of our son Turning 4. Still no changes. We talked with a fertility doctor earlier this year, but then we have had all kinds of blows after that with Matt's health. Things have started to slow down, but we still haven't taken any more steps. I don't think either of us want to, or feel led to go in any direction. So from my perspective it sometimes feels like everyone is moving forward and I'm sitting still watching it all happen. Like you sometimes see in the movies. In the time that I have hoped to get pregnant and have not. I have seen people announce pregnancies, gender reveals, have those babies, post monthly pictures of them growing, adopt babies and see those babies growing. All while I sit and wait. Wait for God to speak, to give direction. But I will keep waiting, because although it hurts, I know from experience that His timing is always better, and I know in my own strength I can't make good anyways. 

Where to begin

So for the last 19 months I have been on a journey. It hasn't ended its only taken a new phase. When I started this journey, I found myself in a very low place. I was very unhappy even though I had everything I thought I really wanted in life. What began as a hope to the solution of being able to lose weight, began to bloom into much more. I was so unaware that the number on the scale I hated so much, effected my life in so many ways. The scale started moving consistently, like I had never seen before. My whole outlook changed. I felt better, I began to feel confidence in myself, and joy. I wont say its been easy, so many demons you face when you begin the journey to self discovery. However, It has not been as hard as I thought it would be, or decided it would be, thus me just giving up on myself. And I think that's what you really do, you give up on yourself, deem you not important, not worth the grit. At least that is what I did, I tried and failed countless times in my life, never seeing results I could manage to keep off. To quick to resort to old habits, to turn to food for comfort. I had made it an idol in my life, everything revolved around food, We woke up and began to talk about where we would go for dinner, thinking about what I would eat there. Only to get to that meal, eat it, and then not have any energy, to full, so full and uncomfortable all I wanted to do was go back home and sit on the couch and watch TV. Maybe this sounds familiar, or maybe it makes no sense to you at all. It was a vicious cycle, that was leaving me feeling hopeless. Where I started I never wanted to end back, because it was just such a low ugly space. So I decided it wouldn't happen. Maybe your asking yourself, is that all it really took? Well no, I wish it was only that simple, but if it was, America wouldn't be struggling with obesity the way it is. We have given food power it was never meant to have, we have placed in on a pedestal, thinking that every meal should be delectable. (Don't get me wrong I eat multiple times a day, and I think that everything I eat taste good) I'm not saying you can never have foods you enjoy, something that I am still trying to find balance with. However, stop and think, about how much of your life revolves around food, how many events, parties, meetings do you remember..... and what do you remember about them? The way a certain food tasted, how creamy soft the icing was on some cake from that one party. Or do you remember people? a way you felt, a memory you shared, a celebration? Shouldn't it be more about life and experience, then the way something taste? Rant over........ I didn't realize how bad I really felt until I felt better, and that better was better then I knew possible. So what is my point? Find a solution to your lack of health, and plan to get that extra weight off, stick with it, work at. Work on your mind, on changing your habits that led you to the place you want to get away from. Stay away from the kitchen, if you have to, go for a walk instead of eating that snack. Say no to eating the cupcake, I promise its very empowering to have power over food, and whether you eat it or not. Try it, I dare you. Choose you, Choose to enjoy life instead of just surviving through it. IT only takes one decision, keeping choosing health, eventually it becomes the first choice, the craved choice. I mean what do I know...... I'm just a former food addicted girl who weighed around 300 pounds for about a decade of my life.

Freedom

I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I just wanted to share some thoughts on the subject that are very personal to me. For as long as I can remember I have feared eternity. I always said it was because I did not understand it. I was afraid of dying and what it does eternity really look like. I am christian, I don't use that term much, because it looks different to everyone, and some people have a bad taste in their mouth from other's who have claimed that title. But I say that to state that I believe when I die I will go to Heaven, a place of no more suffering, heartache, and plenty of other things that have to be better then Earth. Anyways, I still feared that.... it never made sense to me to be afraid of something that seemed so great. 

In this last 8 months I have taken a much needed journey to health, for me that was something for a long time I have truly wanted, It was always hard to get to where I wanted though, so often I gave up or never even tried, but deep down truly unhappy with myself. I know this will be a life journey and I have reached the point where I feel I am in a truly healthy place, but I have sure climbed mountains and changed much more then I ever imagined was possible. So I've been thinking why do I not get the lump in the back of my throat anymore when I think about eternity? or when someone else mentions life after this life?

  I believe its because I have found peace with myself. I'm not perfect, and would never claim to be, I find myself multiple times a day questioning myself and why I responded certain ways, or acted certain ways, or why do I have said attitude. I can look at my life and see things that I no longer struggle with, that I know were insecurity factors from not truly being happy with the person I was. However I encourage you to take the steps you need to take to become the best version of you. There is so much freedom to be found.

Open your Bible

      I ordered the new she reads truth study from Lifeway. Not really even knowing anything about it, just wanting to have something, that would hopefully help me sit down and read the bible. I have struggled so much with this over the years.
    Im sitting here reading the Introduction in tears, I realize out of fear or pain that seemed to much to bear, business, I always have some excuse. But this statement.... When we don't open our Bibles, It does not change who God is, is resonating with my soul.
    I feel like so much has happened in the last 6 years. There is always something keeping me from desperately seeking God the way my heart desires. Loneliness, Deep Heartache, Anger, Happiness, Business, Hurt, and Fear. Each feeling had an excuse. Although there are things that you are told if you are in church long enough, sometimes you don't really understand it. I know that God love for me does not change no matter what. How many times have I heard that said? Yet here I am almost 30 and I just finally got it. I just realized that not reading my bible doesn't change who God is. He doesn't love me less because I didn't read the Bible this week, or only read 3 scriptures today. His character is unchanging regardless of what I do or don't do.
     Here's to reading His word out of desire to know Him, and not obligation, guilt or fear. To not avoiding reading His word because we are fearful of His judgement, or conviction.

For my love.

This man, he found me, he pursued me, he loved me, he has fought for me, and lived for me. He is my husband, my best friend, the father to our beautiful son. He inspires me, helps me have confidence. I think that because of his disease I have thoughts that other wives probably don't. However, since this is the cards that we have I don't know what any other ones might say.

The last few months have been trying, Matt has had some bowel issues, and its been a rather trying time. A mist these issues he also has had some severe leg pain. It had me thinking a lot about the future. I know that its in God's hands, and there is no way of knowing how long any of us has. However, when you have a disease like Matt's even with a good heart, and the right respiratory equipment there is still no guarantee. That's scary... Even though some days it feels so hard, to think of this life without him, is heart wrenching.

There are not really any records to know the oldest age someone has lived to with his disease. His pulmonologist told us he has a patient who is 52 with duchenne. Please don't  read this and think I sit awake at night worrying Matt's going to die. It has been on my mind more as of late, but it doesn't keep me from sleeping. I see post pretty frequently about boys dying from Matt's disease (duchenne muscular dystrophy) It always makes me sad, especially because some of them are so young. Recently a dear friend of ours lost her son, he was only 24 years old, as far as I understand he simply fell asleep here on earth and woke up in heaven. Although I only knew his mother, it still has hit home very hard. I think sometimes I take for granted how well Matt is doing, or how well he is in comparison to others with his disease.

I have been thinking about how I want Matt to have a full life, to not have any regrets or wish that he would have done something, that we just never made the time for. I want him to know that he is greatly loved, more then I could ever say with words. I want his life to be full of love and laughter, true joy. Who knows what the future holds, I know its possible for us to have 30 more years together, and I hope for those years, to drive across the country together, to explore and experience new things. To not be bound my statistics, but just enjoy every day.

my take on becoming a mother.

Where to start....

Becoming a mother was more then I ever dreamed. It was such a beautiful moment, when they placed that perfect purple little boy on my tummy. It was a long time coming to that moment, although I know many who are still waiting, or waited much longer then I had to. I will give you some background without to many details, as I have other blogs about those. I found out when I was about 19 that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) I read all the info I could at that time on it. So I knew it would make it difficult to have kids, but I don't think that what that meant ever really registered with me until I wanted to have kids. After Matt and I got married, I suppose it was a mixture of me already being 25 and his disease, we decided not to wait to try to have a baby. Little did I know the long hard road before us. I tried everything, natural supplements, diets, exercise, all natural everything! None of it worked. I had told Matt I wanted to try on my own for a year, before asking the doctor for help. Well that year came and went, and nothing happened. So off we went, they started medicines and treatments, and tests....blah blah blah. And we did all that stuff for two years. I had two miscarriages and way to many blood draws. But finally at the end of it all we got pregnant with Jasper! The cycle that we got pregnant on, was going to be our last. It didn't start off well, my eggs whee just not growing to the size they needed to be. I remember walking out of the doctors office crying, I told Matt "Obviously God doesn't want me to be a mother." That weekend we went to an introduction class on adoption, at the Buckner children's house. We decided that if this cycle didn't work that we were going to go forth with adoption. Then on Monday  I had to go back to the doctor and all the sudden I had three eggs that were mature. THREE, I had never in all the cycles we had done had more then one that matured enough to be fertilized. So I know God was trying to tell me I was wrong. 

Let me say that I don't believe that whole pun of if you decided to adopt, or adopt that you will get pregnant. I know that it was just God's timing. I had finally relinquished my dream, of how I wanted to become a mother, and allowed God to come in and do things the way that he wanted to. So I  had spent all this energy trying and wanting to have a baby. That I didn't realiaze there were a lot of things I didn't think about. Haha, I know that seems silly since I had about 9 months to "prepare," but I spend a lot of my pregnancy worrying about if he was okay. If I would get to hold him or not, I believe I worried more about him actually making it into the world then if something might be wrong with him. Not that anything is wrong with him. So to his birth, I had been walking a lot because I wanted Jasper to come on his own. I was wanting to have a natural birth, with no medications. I did, however, decide to have him in the hospital because I had some cyst on my ovaries early on,but they went away on there own by my 20th week. I had gone in for my 39 week appointment on a Monday, and nothing had really changed. My doctor told me to keep walking, and the nurse said "maybe we will see you next week?" After that since it was a nice day, Matt and I went walking at the park I think I ended up walking over 4 miles that day, later I got a pedicure, and then we went to Razoo's for dinner (spicy cajun food)! We went to bed late, around midnight. I had only been asleep about an hour, and I felt this gush of fluid leave my body. I jumped up ran to the bathroom, and yelled "Matt my water broke!" He was half asleep and I don't think he really realized what was happening. Your water breaking is rather interesting. Your body keeps producing water for the baby, so once it breaks it keeps leaking. I am really glad I got those depends like our birthing class teacher said we should. Anywho, I got Matt up, called my mom, and we got to the hospital about 3am. That's when my contractions started. I went 12 hours without pain meds, I was so determined. Then my contractions stopped easing up. They were back to back, and all in my lower back. I was having my mother and mil take turns rubbing my lower back, as that was all that helped ease the pain. Jasper was turned the wrong way, and that was causing me to not progress at all. I stayed dilated the same for over 12 hours. We decided to get an epidural, in hopes that it would help. I was able to relax, even get some rest, and Jasper was able to turn into the right position. At one point we were preparing for a c-section because I had still not progressed, and we were reaching the brink of 18 hours since my water had broken, I had tested positive for strep b, and they thought Jasper's head might be to big and me to small. Any who less then an hour after we were told that I was most likely going to be having a c-section they told me to get ready to push!!! Twenty minutes later we had a baby.

Once he was there and we were holding him, I felt like I didn't have to worry anymore. We had gotten through the hard part, silly me. I know now that them being here is much more to worry about. Jasper is wonderful and I wouldn't take any of it back. Becoming a mother changes you, its not a bad thing, but a very different thing. You will cry over silly things. Cry just because of how much you love this tiny little being. You will cry because of how the simplest things will envelop them. You will cry because one day you know there beautiful simple minds, will be destroyed by this complex world. You will feel so many things that you have never felt before. You will delight in watching them learn, you will learn from them. You'll understand things, like the way God wants us to trust him, by the way your son just throws himself backwards and trust you to be there to catch him. You will see the world in a new light, by eyes that have not  yet been hurt. It truly is a beautiful things that you have to let yourself enjoy, and not worry about the dishes that are filling the sink, or the toys all over the living room. Those moments are fleeting, and you won't ever get them back. Even when you decide to write a blog and it takes you 3 hours instead of 30 minutes. Life is to beautiful to miss.