The popular question.

Do you think you'll have more.

It seems so innocent. And I know its just a way to carry on a casual conversation with someone you don't know that well or even do. Its a heated question for me though. I don't really know how to answer either. I realize the innocence in it, the curiosity. I know that you don't want me to go into my daily struggles when you ask. That you aren't really ready for me to pour out my heart on how much this little question can really bother me. So I say an answer that is true, and easy to hear.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe, I go back and forth."

I hoped to have another baby by now, or to at least be expecting one.
I would like my son to have a sibling.
It just isn't as easy as deciding you want to have another kid.
I wish it was, but that's just not the way it is for us, and many other couples.
I'm not saying don't ask, but just know that the short little answer isn't the whole story.
(Please don't think this is directed as you if you've asked me this question, It's not)

We struggled to have our son. I had two miscarriages and numerous fertility treatments.
Pretty healthy pregnancy some concern with cyst on my ovaries from the fertility drugs, but they started to shrink around 18-20 weeks. I hoped when I was pregnant that maybe that would up my fertility and we could get pregnant again while Jasper was even a baby. Nothing happened. When he was barely two I had a  wake up moment and decided to make some big changes in regards to my health, over the next year I lost 130 pounds, never got pregnant. Now we are on the verge of our son Turning 4. Still no changes. We talked with a fertility doctor earlier this year, but then we have had all kinds of blows after that with Matt's health. Things have started to slow down, but we still haven't taken any more steps. I don't think either of us want to, or feel led to go in any direction. So from my perspective it sometimes feels like everyone is moving forward and I'm sitting still watching it all happen. Like you sometimes see in the movies. In the time that I have hoped to get pregnant and have not. I have seen people announce pregnancies, gender reveals, have those babies, post monthly pictures of them growing, adopt babies and see those babies growing. All while I sit and wait. Wait for God to speak, to give direction. But I will keep waiting, because although it hurts, I know from experience that His timing is always better, and I know in my own strength I can't make good anyways. 

Where to begin

So for the last 19 months I have been on a journey. It hasn't ended its only taken a new phase. When I started this journey, I found myself in a very low place. I was very unhappy even though I had everything I thought I really wanted in life. What began as a hope to the solution of being able to lose weight, began to bloom into much more. I was so unaware that the number on the scale I hated so much, effected my life in so many ways. The scale started moving consistently, like I had never seen before. My whole outlook changed. I felt better, I began to feel confidence in myself, and joy. I wont say its been easy, so many demons you face when you begin the journey to self discovery. However, It has not been as hard as I thought it would be, or decided it would be, thus me just giving up on myself. And I think that's what you really do, you give up on yourself, deem you not important, not worth the grit. At least that is what I did, I tried and failed countless times in my life, never seeing results I could manage to keep off. To quick to resort to old habits, to turn to food for comfort. I had made it an idol in my life, everything revolved around food, We woke up and began to talk about where we would go for dinner, thinking about what I would eat there. Only to get to that meal, eat it, and then not have any energy, to full, so full and uncomfortable all I wanted to do was go back home and sit on the couch and watch TV. Maybe this sounds familiar, or maybe it makes no sense to you at all. It was a vicious cycle, that was leaving me feeling hopeless. Where I started I never wanted to end back, because it was just such a low ugly space. So I decided it wouldn't happen. Maybe your asking yourself, is that all it really took? Well no, I wish it was only that simple, but if it was, America wouldn't be struggling with obesity the way it is. We have given food power it was never meant to have, we have placed in on a pedestal, thinking that every meal should be delectable. (Don't get me wrong I eat multiple times a day, and I think that everything I eat taste good) I'm not saying you can never have foods you enjoy, something that I am still trying to find balance with. However, stop and think, about how much of your life revolves around food, how many events, parties, meetings do you remember..... and what do you remember about them? The way a certain food tasted, how creamy soft the icing was on some cake from that one party. Or do you remember people? a way you felt, a memory you shared, a celebration? Shouldn't it be more about life and experience, then the way something taste? Rant over........ I didn't realize how bad I really felt until I felt better, and that better was better then I knew possible. So what is my point? Find a solution to your lack of health, and plan to get that extra weight off, stick with it, work at. Work on your mind, on changing your habits that led you to the place you want to get away from. Stay away from the kitchen, if you have to, go for a walk instead of eating that snack. Say no to eating the cupcake, I promise its very empowering to have power over food, and whether you eat it or not. Try it, I dare you. Choose you, Choose to enjoy life instead of just surviving through it. IT only takes one decision, keeping choosing health, eventually it becomes the first choice, the craved choice. I mean what do I know...... I'm just a former food addicted girl who weighed around 300 pounds for about a decade of my life.