Where to begin?

This has been a tough year so far, its had its beautiful moments, and also ones that were bitter sweet. I  guess I could start in June... We found out on the 4th of June, we would be expecting our first child. I can not even tell you how excited we were after over a year of trying with no results. I haven't really talked much about what has happened, I can feel shaky as I sit here typing this. If you haven't read any of my previous post, I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, so I was seeing a doctor before we ever tried and taking some medication to help us have a baby, so they have been monitoring me very closely. I had to call them as soon as I took a test with the results and they made me come in that day to take a blood draw. My hcg was on the lower side, but they said as long as it kept doubling there wasn't anything to worry about. I suppose I had all these presumptions, thinking that this was finally our break, after all the months of trying. I had planned everything out since I have to take medicine to even start my cycle. I knew in May that if everything worked I would be having our first child around my birthday. How exciting, to me anyways. I continued to get my blood drawn every few days and the next week I went in and my hcg was only around 100 and should have been about 500 and something. I would have to go in the morning to get my blood drawn and then come home or where ever, and wait for the nurse to call me with the results usually around 1pm or so. I'm sure you can imagine how nerve racking that is. This was a very sad day for us, within a week and a half we had gone from excitement of having our first child, to the disappointment of being told we had a chemical pregnancy. You go through many emotions, I did a lot of internet research to figure out what that even meant. It's basically a miscarriage, just its so early on that most people don't even know its happened. But its more common now, because of all the early pregnancy test. So at this point I'm only 5 weeks. They tell me they are sorry and I should expect some bleeding and to come back in a week for another blood draw to make sure my hcg is dropping. From what I read I expected to just have a period. As early as it was it wasn't suppose to be to "messy." It still was horrible emotionally. 

Well a week passes by and I go in for another blood draw. Go home wait, nurse calls and tell me my hcg is 500? Wait, I'm confused how is that possible? Oh sometimes this happens, it could be etopic, I know its difficult to understand, but this just happens sometime, we don't know why. I get off the phone tell Matt, cry, feel confused, call a midwife in Rockwall, she tells me I could have had implantation bleeding, it's still to soon to know anything. But there not really anything to be done, but wait. Well I've been doing that for a while so I can wait a little longer. So two days later I start having what I think is just a muscle cramp in my right thigh. I try eating a banana, drinking some water, it wont go away it gets worse goes up into my hip and groin. This is way worse than any cramp I have ever experienced. So I call the on call doctor he tells me to go to the emergency, because they have yet to rule out that it is etopic. I go they do a woman exam, its the worse pain I have felt in my life, I'm squirming and crying and she just keeps doing her thing. I also have to get a sonogram which also hurts. They find nothing, My hcg has started to fall though. And so they talk to the on call doctor, come up with a plan, which is to send me home, with pain meds, and I go to my doctor office first thing in the morning for a repeat of whats been done at the hospital, then they will decide what to do. I am frustrated. I just want this to be over. 

Next morning I go to my doctor, they repeat test. Mind you the anti-nausea medicine I was given didn't help and I puked twice on the way there. And could barely keep my head up I felt so bad. And they asked me to wait there for the results. Well after 3 1/2 hours They finally have results but can't get a hold of my doctor. Who was to decide whether I would be getting a shot to end the pregnancy or not, since there is still a threat that it is etopic which could kill me. Well I go home anyways and they call 4 hours later and tell me my doctor doesn't want me to do the shot, since my numbers are declining, its better to let it take care of itself. And that I need to come back Monday for another blood draw to make sure my hcg is still dropping. 

I go back Monday its now down in the 200's seems we are finally on the way to getting past this. I am then asked to come back Friday for another draw and see what it is then. I go back Friday and its gone back up to 350. Dear Lord, why is that happening, I am so confused. I don't know what to do. The Doctors want me to come get the shot that will make the fetus absorb and hcg lower and get me past all this. I however don't know what to do and don't feel know that I feel right about getting this shot. I feel this is to big of a decision to make, and how am I to know whats right. I talk to the doctor for a while, he guarantees me this is not a vital pregnancy and in etopic pregnancies the hcg tends to yo-yo like mine has. I use google, try to find out more. I feel lots of pressure. If I don't do it It could rupture and I could bleed internally and die. If I do this can I live with it? I decide that I would be paranoid all weekend if I don't get the shot. Matt agrees, and thinks this will help us be able to finally move past this, and get off the roller coaster of emotions. So I go to the office get the shots, and leave. And then have an allergic reaction to the medicine. My face breaks out in hives, I freak out, call doctor, they tell me to take benadyrl and relax. As long as my breathing is fine, there is no emergency. 

I have to go back on Monday for a blood draw. Hcg has gone up just a little, but I was warned this would happen. And to come back Friday, as long as its gone down we are in the clear, no more shots. Mean time I am having horrible cramps that seem unbearable, never know when they will come, and the only thing that makes them tolerable is a heating pad. I have this off and on for about 5 weeks, until all the HCG is gone which was not until July 25th. At that point I would have been 11 1/2 weeks. So something that was suppose to just be a bleed and i'm all done. Turned into 6 weeks of a nightmare. Its still hard to, emotionally sometimes I just want to fall apart. I feel bad for not feeling bad. Everyone says it gets better. And I'm sure it does. And it has gotten easier. I don't know that already having a child would make this experience easier. I don't know that anything could. 

This has been a roller coaster of emotions, just when I thought I has accepted it and could start moving forward, I would hit another bump, and be so confused. I still feel confused. I have to believe God has a plan, but its hard to believe that. Trust me I know this is not the hardest thing anyone in the world has gone through. But its the hardest thing I have gone through. I still have lots of questions. It's hard to see people who are pregnant. It's hard to even be around them. It's painful. I think about things that now won't happen when they would have happened. Like finding out what we were having around Matt's Birthday. I have to have hope even when I don't want to, because what other point in going on is there, without hope. And I know we will have our day, someday, somehow. But it doesn't make any of this easier, even knowing all those things. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me, or to be mad at me for decisions I've made. I have not meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but not going to baby showers and other parties, I knew would just be too much for me to handle are things that I had to do for myself in this period of my life. 

For now I have to sit and wait until the doctor thinks I'm ready again, I'm not limiting God I know its all ultimately in his hands. I know most people won't read this, but I just thought I'd share. For all I know there is someone else going through this right now, that needed to hear my story? It's hard to go through these things, because people don't really talk about them, I guess maybe they think its taboo. Thing is its happened to a lot more people then we think. I'm still struggling with a lot of emotions and thoughts. I hope to get through this sooner then later. But right now, I'm just not sure how. I hope to figure that out soon.