When the world seems to big for your shoulders.

We found out on Wednesday that my grandpa, dad's dad, has stage 3 cancer. The doctor told him he has maybe a year. We have known about the cancer for a few weeks now, but not how far along it was. I know that doctor's don't know everything and miracles exist. But none of that makes any of it easier to deal with. This on top of other trials, that we are faced with, things that I don't know how to talk about or explain the hurt they cause. I have reached my limit, I don't feel I can be strong anymore. I don't want sympathy, and filler words. I know that people can't possibly truly understand what I am going through. And that I can only deal with it the way that I can. And it may not be acceptable to you, but its the only way I know how to keep surviving. I know all the biblical answers, I know scripture, I know that I have made it through much heartache in my life, but I am at the point where it seems to much, where "God only gives us what we can handle, just doesn't seem true. I have faced many thing in my not so long life, and this just seems unbearable. I know that I can continue on... I know that I will some how, some way make it through. And I hope, even though hope seems only to let me down with a bigger fall, every time. I hope to look back on this time in my life, and see something good out of it. I hope that I will still see a miracle. I hope that good can come from all this pain. So I pick up all my pieces, and I stand, and I do whatever I have to do to keep moving forward.

My favorite month....

It's not my favorite month because of valentine's day. I have never really been anti valentine's day though. Even when I was single and very lonely, I still had parents who would buy me awesome stuff on Valentine's, I also sometimes watched kids so couples could go out.

I just love February, It might only be because it the month of my birth, but I still love it!

This year I realized I am over my birthday, see I always use to make a big deal of it, and starting counting down from about August 16th (My half birthday, told you I made a big deal). But this year it was different, I found that I did not care as much about another birthday. Don't get me wrong I still want to celebrate, and get gifts and eat desserts and yummie food, all to pretty much celebrate me! But I just don't care as much, especially about having a party. As I have gotten older people have mostly seemed to only disappoint around birthdays, specifically my husbands and mine. See last February Matt tried to throw me a surprise party, I say tried because I mostly figured it out. My mom has always said its hard to surprise me, so I feel sorry for my husband because I know he tried really hard. Anyways, some of the most important people to me showed up, I don't want to downplay that point. Only one friend showed the rest was family. That was a bit disappointing. I truly did surprise my husband with a birthday party for him in September, he had NO idea what I was up to. Once again I was disappointed, Many people said they would come and only a handful showed up. Again It was important people, and we still had a great time.

All this has led me to the point where I have decided that Birthday Parties are over-rated. I would rather just have dinner with my husband, and my family. If anyone else wants to show up, or take me out, GREAT! But I won't be expecting those things. I don't want this to make people feel bad, or as if they aren't a good friend.  I am realizing what is important and what is not, because I know that if someone does not come to a Birthday Party it doesn't mean I am not important, or unloved. See, I don't want my friends to think that I don't love them or don't care, because I can't make it to events. Life is too short to worry about things that I cannot control. So this month I will let what happens happen. I will enjoy time with the people I love because who knows how long I have left with those people. I will enjoy good things that happen, and I will press through and keep true Joy even in the bad things that might come my way. Because I know this place is not my home, and I have hope there is a better place for us all someday.