Pain is Pain

I often contemplate writing certain thing. As blunt as I might be at times, I still don't want to offend people, especially people that I love. But the whole Owl be honest, is just that, being honest! So I write these things I feel, for people to know that they are not alone.

I often hate the way that being infertile (that's the medical term they use) has made me feel. I often am jealous, upset, annoyed, I feel as if I am not good enough. That I am not much of a woman. That my husband deserves better, ashamed that I am not able to get pregnant, frustrated, Afraid, and so many other things.

And I know that I haven't really walked this road that long compared to so many others, but my pain to me is just as real and hard as someone that's done this for 20 years.

Hope. See that's hard to. I have hope that I will have a miracle. But often I spend a whole month or more hoping and then I have that test in my hand and its another negative, or there isn't even a point to take a test, or I have to take medicine again, and I am reminded of how much of a failure I feel like I am as a woman. And through all this I still remember that God has a plan. But even that is hard at times.

I have friends getting pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm not. It's a terrible thing you see, because it drives you from people that you love. And you don't really want to talk about it, cause it doesn't seem as if anyone can really understand this pain you feel. And you feel stupid for feeling all the things that you do. And you think about how people will respond, and are afraid of what they might say to you, and you know there are many things you have to be thankful for, and many things that are much worse then the pain you feel. But this is your pain, and it hurts you a lot.

Back to hope, there's hope. There are lots of drugs and procedures that I have yet to try. But just the fact that I have to do them is another cut to my self esteem as a woman. And the fear of that long road is often overwhelming. In reality it could be short, but it just doesn't seem realistic that for me, it would be short. I'm afraid of what that road will do to me, and the person it might make me become. But I don't want to not try.

It's even frustrating when people try to help, when they say things like well maybe if you lost some weight, or if you tried doing this or that. I listen, and I say thanks, and I truly appreciate that people care and want to help. It just that, even if I do those things, even if I take all the medicine the doctor gives me, or even if I eat livers and organs and everything organic, it might not work at all. And although there are many other means to having kids, this is still a great loss, and its not one that you just get over easily.